Some madd lad police officers
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
Dinner is on me
You can sleep with a light on
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
It was soda pressing.
Tickets are non-refundable…
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
Personally I’m on the fence.
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He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
You can never find the barcode
All they do is flash and bang people.