Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
The worst part is that my 15 years friend put this on his insta story
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
Found this on a Facebook page from a diner shop…
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
what did they teach me
Beat the Nazi!
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
A different way of code
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
Epic crossover picture
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
Someday, Ahmed, someday…
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Works I guess?
R.I.P Steve Irwin
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
Dear Trump Supporters
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Impeachment is not the Endgame
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
Well color me surprised /s
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
“obamacare is a disaster”
Everyone handles those errors in their own way
She got the point..
An acid’s hydrogen atom when mixed in water
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
Client Brief vs Budget
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
Kids are dirty
Found on my grandma’s fridge
Do I actually need a title
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Water low-key thicc
An Old Oc for you guys
We need to focus guys, ignore those bugs !
The actual Trump wall
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
My korean friend died last week
Technology = bad
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
A true hacker
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!