Some of you will get it!!!!! !!!!
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
