Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"