Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
We don’t sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which she is met with the same response “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he once again responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She lashes out screaming at the man “HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW I’M A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE” “Because that’s a microwave” he says.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.
No text found
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that