Some ‘science’ page really just said “Stars emit UV radiation only during their birth and death” and stated time travel as one of the probable discoveries of the current decade. Bye.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
But the odds were against them
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
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About two Brazilian
They turnip the beets
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Now I just have beer
They kill dogs
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
He just goes on forever
I can't express how that makes me feel.
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
I told her to lighten up.
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?” “Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.” “Wow,” says the barman. The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.” “Be careful what you wish for though.” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,“ I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!” To this the man replies, “ And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”