Somebody help him!
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.