Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.