Somebody unironically sent this to a meme discord server
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
They’re making all the headlines…
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
With a match made in Heaven.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
but then it dawned on me.
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
Because some relationships don't workout.
Because it was soda pressing.
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
But I stand corrected.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
They never seem to leave
There was no chemistry
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
Kim Jong Un
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
Because their "bi-winks".
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.