Somebody’s in trouble
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts cost 2.50 deer nuts are just under a buck.
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.