Someday, Ahmed, someday…
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
![The “[blank] 100” meme is probably the worst format that still exists](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/kkntcgec5gq21-400x474.jpg)
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
