Someone asked me “What’s your opinion on wind turbines?”
"Big fan"
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What does an Italian terminator say
Pasta-lavista
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.
After the owner teached him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand. 'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks. 'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.' So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store. Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits. Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with there purchase. Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store. Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been. Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I made quite the sells!' 'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?' 'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
What’s the difference between Reddit and Instagram?
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.