Someone better fess up.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you have more than one cellphone,
You're a multicellular organism.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
Bang bang
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…