Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?Β I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"Β After a moment of silence, he farted.
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldnβt put it down
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myselfβ¦
I really need to wash some mugs.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.