Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
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So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
They're all back stabbers
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
It’s not the end of the word.
To get some fresh beets
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
The Answer Will Shock You!
7 up in cider.
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I think I'm going to banner.
That she was a little boulder.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
Marriage you wanna?
Yoda: Off course I am!
A four-chin teller!
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
…is it still stationary?
He just can’t part with it.
But I laugh more.
They just drank at home.
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I mean, it's not very hard.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.