Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
I’m a social vegan
I avoid meet
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK