Someone clarified the Canadian F-35 marketing posters

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend. After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees. Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.' Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word. After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word. When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked. He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!'

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"

No ones given me a straight answer.

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”

They didn’t do anything at all

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.

It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…

A layer lair.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "That's my dad outside." "How much did you say the baseball was again?" "$250." The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen. A few weeks later, it happens again. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball glove." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." "How much did you say the glove was again?" "$750." "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" "I can't. I sold them," the boy replies. "Really? How much did you sell them for?" "$1,000." "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. "Dark in here," the boy says. The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."

It’s a gift…

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”

Hailing taxicabs

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

It never gets old.

Because 6, 7 8.

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."