Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?” Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals