Someone « crying help » because of the « world funniest joke »

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"

Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!

I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

You use a pumpkin patch.

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I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.

I'm not buying it.

A germ.

IM LIVID

He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

I have a mother-in-law.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌round, a‌‌ppearing a‌‌s i‌‌f s‌‌he w‌‌as h‌‌aving a‌‌ s‌‌exual d‌‌ream. S‌‌uperman t‌‌hought… “She’s p‌‌robably d‌‌reaming a‌‌bout m‌‌e, and you k‌‌now w‌‌hat, I‌‌’m f‌‌aster t‌‌han a‌‌ s‌‌peeding b‌‌ullet, I‌‌ c‌‌ould f‌‌ly i‌‌n, f‌‌uck h‌‌er a‌‌nd f‌‌ly o‌‌ut, a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌ouldn’t k‌‌now w‌‌hat h‌‌appened!” S‌‌o h‌‌e d‌‌id e‌‌xactly t‌‌hat. H‌‌e f‌‌lew i‌‌n q‌‌uickly, d‌‌id h‌‌er a‌‌nd f‌‌lew a‌‌way. “‌‌What t‌‌he h‌‌ell w‌‌as t‌‌hat?”, W‌‌onder W‌‌oman asked. “‌‌I d‌‌on’t k‌‌now, b‌‌ut m‌‌y a‌‌sshole i‌‌s k‌‌illing m‌‌e!”, I‌‌nvisible M‌‌an answered.

I gave him a glass of water.

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

(Edit: no, you won’t)

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

.. I hope

Doug.

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.

So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know…" he says to the gorilla."We don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

but for me it will always be cake day!

Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

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I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" ​ He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." ​ "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."