Someone didn’t do his homework
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
Why was Pavlovโs hair so soft?
He conditioned it
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. Weโre learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, โIs this good for wasps?โ
He said, โNo, it kills them.โ
I put a โHonk if you think Iโm sexyโ bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think Iโm sexy at this green light right now….
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
โHow long do you have to do that for?โ I asked. โWhen is he too old for it?โ โWell, itโs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnโt it? Itโs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.โ โYeah, shut up Joe โ I was talking to your mother.โ
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, โWe got him! We got him!โ
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.