Someone fix my database.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.