Someone gifted me a book of dad jokes. “No thanks,” I said. “I already Reddit.”
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Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
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Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
A car full of Irish nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.