Someone has an eye for ponds
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
three times…
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
I have a scary joke about math…
…but I am 22 to say it
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
