My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "That's from Grandma."
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
Which one is tougher intellectual demandwise, Physics or Medicine ?
Medicine is well respected among general public. Physics is also regarded highly by many people.But i want to know, among both these subjects/discipines , which is tougher from the point of view of intellectual demand/ intelligence required to study ?
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)