Someone is not happy.
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
*random keyboard presses* I’m in
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
So much winning!
Feminists be like
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
Code to comment ratio on my projects.
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
Oh, poor Ed!
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I see a pattern …..
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
Haha zoophilia funny
What kind of bees makes milk?
Story of Python Programmer!
Data Scientists these days..
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
There are some things worth getting angry about
Oh Sam, oh Sam
A reminder of how Lindsey got the vapors.
the newest development in encryption technology:
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
reduce viral load naturally
Crime good wife bad
2020 be like…
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
That was painful to read
Saw this in today’s paper on a restaurant bulletin
discord tutorials intensify
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
“I Don’t Stand By Anything” – Donald Trump
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
So my grandma shared this (besides she’s always at home on her laptop)
President Snowflake shouldn’t have left his safe space
Chad Nancy Devastates Virgin Trump’s Terrible Tweet
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
They just don’t understand
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
You’re dating a YouTuber? Fucking cringe.
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
Video games bad
No phones in a boomer comic
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
Vin had it right
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.