Someone out these up in the toilets at my work
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!” Suddenly，everything–the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking. ‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
