someone please give her and oscar *android laughing emojis*
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that. Edit : I got a gold for a joke that I repost every month. Thanks person, hope you had a chuckle.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
What number is a sport?
Ten is
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"