Someone signed up my work email for the Trump email newsletter (see the name), and this was an email I just received. The validation this man requires, is truly funny and sad.
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but
I decided to sit on it for a while
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."