Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: βI hate playing with your Dad.β
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" π
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Iβm okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I didnβt eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. β After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
So I walked into he doctorβs office
He said : βPick a star sign any star sign.β I said : βCapricornβ And he said : βNah you got cancerβ
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said theyβre wiped out
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg