Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a womanās body.
Then I was born.
Did you hear that Michael Jacksonās had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
Trumpets and Gun
Ā In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: Iām learning by diffusion
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: āI thought I paid that bill already.ā
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally Iām on the fence.
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Iāll tell ya later
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I’ve just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
The word āDiputseromneveā may look ridiculous,
But backwards itās even more stupid.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
The secret service isnāt allowed to say āget down!ā Anymore
Now they have to say, āDonald, duck!ā
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Why couldnāt the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?"