Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision