someone told me to post this here
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Mod Apps and Memeless Mondays
Hey everyone,A lot to cover in this post, but first of all, just wanted to note that the People’s Choice Winner of the Hackathon was voted to be selfCAPTCHA (/u/selfCAPTCHA), so congratulations to its author. We’ll be hosting the next Hackathon sometime next summer.With that aside, we’re finally ready to implement a big rule change that should hopefully improve the content quality of the subreddit. Every Monday, starting November 18th, will now be declared a Memeless Monday. This means:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.We’ll be pinning reminders every Monday to ensure nobody is left in the dark about the rule change. If we find that this isn’t increasing subreddit quality at all (at least for a short period of the week), we’ll either modify or abandon the change. If you have any feedback which you feel will make Memeless Mondays more effective, please do leave it below.Due to user feedback, we won’t be moving the subreddit to approval only (which was probably entirely unrealistic in the first place).Now, mod applications – like programming? Hate memes? Did the previous paragraph give you a burning desire to routinely exterminate them every Monday? Do you use Arch? We’ve got a position for you. We’re looking for a few active, passionate (as if) moderators preferably in the Eastern Hemisphere (if you’re not, still feel free to apply). Previous experience is always good but being reasonable, active on Reddit and knowing some programming is even better. Apply here.Thanks for reading. Now go and make some relevant, high quality, funny jokes or we’ll just end up automating the entire subreddit, it would be a lot less work on our side.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."