Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits…
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
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Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..
…he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves. He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!…let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all" Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ….8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
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