Something about a broken clock.
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well Iβll be damned.
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
Heβs also going to see Stan Lee next week!
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
Iβm not sure what he laced them with, but Iβve been tripping all day
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, itβs just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him itβs between 8am and 1pm
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18