Something about make-up
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right. Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.