Something has to CHANGE.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
What do you call an army of babies?
An infantry.
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts