Somethings are better left unsaid
To tell someone they're vegan.
I said too bad they don't have windows
He identifies as he/he.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
They consider cows to be sacred.
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
He was delighted
I lost interest in that relationship
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He’s rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.
Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?” The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!” God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.” Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more. By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone – he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them. Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. “It turns out,” he starts, “the conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
But a beautiful finish
In case I got a hole in one
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Alcohol IS a solution.
All I wanted was one nightstand.
The odds were against me
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
That would be soda pressing.
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
Add 24 carrots
Because he's a pain in the neck.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.