One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
It was a big McSteak.
Because nothing gets under their skin.
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
The corolla virus.
No text found
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Not Captain Hook.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.” Peter was interested, second guy go. “I was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.” Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. “I was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said “Quick hide in the fridge!”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Shomething sheemsh Amish
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks. The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad." The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!" The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?" The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
She said "They're right behind you".
It had Corolla virus