Somethings wrong
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Wanna feel old?
Wait
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
