sometimes all what you can do is to pray..
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.