sometimes all what you can do is to pray..
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
Knock knock / Whoās there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind itās pointless.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. Iāll never forget his inspirational last words, āBe positiveā.
My sister called my dad today to ask if thereās any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: āNone that Iāve seen!ā
My instructor just told me that Iām not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
Where did the hacker go?
I donāt know he ransomware.
And now itās stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you canāt go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says āIāll take a glass of H2O.ā The second says āIāll take a glass of H2O too.ā
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.Ā
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
3 Cowboys NSFW
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says āIām the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, itās out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that itās me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.ā The second cowboy responds: āThatās nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. Heās got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.ā The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says āwell what about you? You think youāre tougher than us?ā The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over whoās the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove whoās the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) SeƱor
![Christopher Woken [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/9l85a9bqslt41-400x1280.jpg)
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
Me: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
A magician stops a woman on a street….
āPick a card, any cardā he says. She grabs one at random. āNow, look away and memorize that card. Donāt show me.ā She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. āPush,Ā PUSHā the midwife and doctors urged. āYouāre almost there!ā āThe baby! Sheās crowning!ā āBut… whatās that in herĀ HAND???ā āIt… it looks like…ā āIsĀ THISĀ your card?ā a familiar voice said.
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when theyāre cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.