Sometimes Amazon reviews are the saddest short stories in the world.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
Those fuckers jam out.
Those fuckers jam out.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.