I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken…
There’s no going back now…
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have." Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?", he asks. "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?", asks the father. "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
I hate insomnia, it’s a horrible condition
I'm losing sleep over it. On the plus side, it's only 3 more sleeps until Christmas
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.