Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
Looks like I finally did something right.
They're getting married in the spring.
They both died to become the icon of saving.
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
she was a neck-romancer
I don't get it.
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Next to a Windu.
Because people are exorcising.
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
I take whisks in the kitchen
…is that they always take things literally…
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!" He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench. "I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition". Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General. "- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?" "- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
It’s all word of mouth…
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
… Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
A receding hairline.
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
…until it is full groan.
They never seem to leave
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."