Sometimes less is more
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A solid 10, but also imaginary
You probably aren't thinking straight.
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
A trip without the kids.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
Because no one can spot him
because it was soda-pressing
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
It was an absolute whopper
The second time let me down
The head poncho.
I said "No it doesn't."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
I’ll beheading there soon.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I said that makes two of us
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.