Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?
The one whose sack reads "Idaho"
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
![[OC] Guess The Pun #46 – A Letter-ary Classic](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/no_image_card-99-400x247.png)
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
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Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because it’s the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if we’re gonna be living in the future might as well look it
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
