Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying

Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water theyβd sneeze all the time.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
If Iβm being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If Iβm being objective, itβs Dr. Whom.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If thereβs one more, it would be too farty.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
I canβt stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
Why is βdarkβ spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canβt C in the dark
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now heβs just a handyman.
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think itβs a fair price toupee.
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
My friend said, βYou have a B.A., Masterβs, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!β
It was a third degree burn.
Why canβt a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. ππ¦π
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude

Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Doctor: I canβt find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: Itβs okay. I can come back when you are sober.