Sometimes you have to stop and stand in awe
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that?’, he asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that. Edit : I got a gold for a joke that I repost every month. Thanks person, hope you had a chuckle.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
