Sometimes…
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
One Finn
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought… Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men…it's a trap. There's two of them."
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.