Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Still made it to my door.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
You can never find the barcode
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
I was fired immediately
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
a small medium at large
I will let you know.
Because its cheaper
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I said maybe.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
Because he keeps breaking the record.
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
A go fuck yourself
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Because he saw the airstrip
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
But a beautiful finish
No they chlorofeel.
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!