Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
