Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
![[borderline fit] source in comments](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cp0al86rywu41-400x349.jpg)
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me…
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
