Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
