Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
He said “Genius”
Just for the Halibut
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
How do you ruin a joke?
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Y'know, one would have been enough.
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
And boy are my arms tires
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
Son up to son down.
It’s open Mike night!
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
I don't know why
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
Alien vs. predator.
and it hertz alot.