Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
People must be dying to get there.
Everyone was dribbling on it.
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Too much socky.
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
So I packed up my stuff and right.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
He dyed on impact.
"Keep the tip."
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
Stop school shootings
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
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5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black