Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
Remember when cosmetic surgery was a very taboo subject?
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me.
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
What do you get when you mix a caribou with an antelope?
A cantaloupe! *yesterday at work, my stupid brain called a caribou a cantaloupe because i couldn't remember the name and was thinking of an antelope too. If this isn't original, I'm sorry. But my brain farts come up with interesting answers!
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.