Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
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A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.