Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
