Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
Dad: No, have you seen my dadglasses?
Totally nailed it.
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
A private tutor.
It was an ether / oar situation.
I’m going to put my glasses on…
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
At a second hand store.
but then I lost it.
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
but I’m slowly getting over it.
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
In case I got a hole in one
Blue and Yellow combined
It's not your typical food sauce
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
It was just holding me back.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
Hermione: Emma Watson?
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.