Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
Sorry, just practicing.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
When it becomes fully groan.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
But I wanted to be transparent.
Because they're still alive.
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
To cover its butt quack.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
No text found
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I heard that he was framed.
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Because they arrrrrr!!!
and it doesn't.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
Because he was a known quack dealer
Seriously, how low can you go?
It was the least I could do.
and not a pop quiz?
Put in my too-weak notice.
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.