Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…