Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
Igloo it back together again.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Because they make the toys.
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
How could anyone stoop so low.
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
…they’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.” So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety. The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there." So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety. Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
When it becomes apparent.
Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.” Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.” The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system” “Nick” “Nick… what?” “Nick nothing, just nick.” Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.” Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “ “One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. “Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”
They did unspeakable things to me.
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
But when I do, he laughs.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
In China, dogs are E10.
It makes my day